Back to being a girl...

It took a while, but after wearing that blahh cafe, 2 layer of dust, and sand colored uniform for a year I have finally started wearing jewelry again. Not a lot mind you, but a watch with a shiny band, some earrings that twist, dangle, and shine... a neclace with some color every now and then.

To many of you this may not seem like any big thing. For me though, it is huge. Johnathan would hint that when I put in my small earings I looked more feminine. Then a couple of weeks ago when I really had a banquet, some promotion parties, and some other social events to go to everyone there hardly recognized me because my hair wasn't pulled back in a pony tail, I put on some mascara, and I was wearing real clothes (yeah, versus the fake ones I am always trying to pass off as real!) that didn't have a ketchup handprint or yogurt splash on it! ((It was amazing that I got out of the house without either one of those.))

But, it was also a wake up call for me that although I wasn't wearing a uniform everyday anymore, I was doing everything else like I was.... no fingernail polish, no jewelry, nothing fun or girly.

On a harsher note, Johnathan and I have been discussing my feelings of never wanting to go back to my unit (National Guard) again. I hate leaving my kids even though it is only for 2-3 days. He hates feeling like he is supporting me to go off for another year. I am serious when I say that I NEVER want to go back to another weekend drill. It is like it is a fake life. I don't mean that as far as the training. I mean that the message that I give my kids is that when I put on that uniform I am only going away for 48-72 hours and that I will return - tired but still the same momma as when I left.

Furthermore - I can't stand being around crowds. Family is kind of one thing, but social events turn me off. Johnathan and I take separate vehicles because I can only handle it for about 30 minutes to an hour. Why??? - I haven't figured that one out yet... really - more than 5-7 people I just want to get out of there. Not that I am scared or anything, I just don't want to talk to anyone, don't want to be around anyone... At first I thought it was because I just wanted to be around the kiddos... what is my excuse now?? I have realized they are a handful that I sometimes just need a few moments away from. At first I would even start little fights with Johnathan just to make him want to leave. Now he just knows to take his car and when I say I will see him later at home, he knows not to push me to stay and I will great him happily when he gets home, even if it is a couple of hours later.

Why blog about it? Well, I know there are a lot of people who have came back from the sand box, who really saw a lot more than their eyes had ever been forced to see before. I have seen the crappy things people can do to one another when I worked in the operating room and in the trauma services. I don't know why I have had this change... but the other men and women returning... well, I will just say I sympathize... can't say I understand, I can't say how to get through it... I can only relate to the changes.